1000 Ways to Kill a Geek
by Jyxxie
Summary: Tony watches the show on different ways to die, and uses an immortal McGee as his testing dummy. Each chapter is a new scenario. Comment with ways you'd like to see McGee die!
1. Intro

**Disclaimer**: Don't own the show or characters.

**Notes**: It's recommended you read my other fic, Forever an Agent, before this one. Explains a lot. Not necessary, just know that it's established with the team that McGee is immortal.  
If you have a way to die you'd like to see, comment with it!

**Summary**: Tony watches the show on different ways to die, and uses an immortal McGee as his testing dummy. Each chapter is a new scenario.

* * *

"Soooo, McGee." Tony is sitting at his desk when McGee arrives and sits at his own.

McGee looks up, frowning when he spots the mischievous look in his eyes. "Yeah, Tony?"

"I was watching tv last night. Know that show 1000 Ways to Die?"

"Yeah, I've seen it. I've never actually died from pure stupidity like that, but I've seen it."

"Let's re-enact it!" Tony grins and holds up a list. "Here's the starter list."

McGee stares at Tony's big grin, yanking the paper out of his hand. He begins reading down the list.. "Death by.. train hitting me. Drinking liquid nitrogen. Falling onto helicopter blades. Eating live scorpions. Taking a _lava bath_? Tony, what the hell?"

"Wh-I don't know, can you come back if you lose.. parts? Of yourself?"

"Yes. Yes, but I really don't want to." He shudders and shoves the list into Tony's chest, going and sitting back down.

"You never know, it might be fun," Tony says, trying to convince McGee to try this crazy shit with him.

"Fun-fun for WHO?" He stares at Tony incredulously. "I may be-" He lowers his voice to a whisper. "I may be immortal, but dying hurts like hell!"

Tony frowns and sits at his computer desk. "McGee, you're such a spoilsport."

McGee sighs and leans back in his chair, thinking over the idea for a while. Tony really looked excited, and now; he looks glum. Knowing he'll regret the choice, he puts a hand to his face. "Tony?"

"What, McBoring?"

"Let's do it."

Tony grins. "Can we start with-"

"Rules, yes. No lava. Lava is.. I'm not going there. No drowning in the ocean. Too easy to get lost. Oh, and, we're telling the others about this."

"Everyone?"

"No! Just Ziva and Gibbs. Not even Abby; she'll freak out."

"True." Tony leans back. So.. can we start with.." he looks at his list, trying to pick out an interesting cause of death. "In the tub with electrical devices?"

McGee sighs. "After work tonight, Tony."

Tony throws his hands up in victory. "Ye-he-hessss!"


	2. 1: Toaster in the Tub

"Remind me why we're doing this at my place?" Tony turns on the faucet in his tub, plugging the drain.

McGee, standing to the side and watching the tub with distrust, answers. "First, it's your idea. Second, if I die in my own bathroom, I'll have trouble bathing there again."

"C'mon man, you're immortal. You should enjoy this."

"Tony, this isn't the first time I've killed myself. No matter how many times you do it, it's never fun. Not in the least bit, for any reason."

"Hey, McGee?"

"Yeah?" McGee looks at the tub; halfway full.

"How come you went to MIT? I mean, you're.. uh.. I forget how old, but you're really, really, _really_ old. Didn't you already know all that stuff?"

"First of all, Tony, call me old again and I'll hit you. Second, they didn't have computers way back when. And third, MIT looks great on a resume. Which everyone seems to need nowadays."

Tony nods. "All right, I'll give it to ya." He pauses, thinking a few phrases back. "You've killed yourself before?"

"Yeah. I kept trying to die and stay dead." He leans against the wall. "Guess it's a good thing I can't. Wouldn't have met any of you guys." He smiles and leans his head back.

Tony feels touched at that, but wouldn't admit it. "Tub's ready." He turns off the water. "Be right back, gotta grab something to shock you with." He says it so casually that it hurts McGee.

"So glad you enjoy seeing me suffer," McGee grumbles, pulling off his shoes, socks, watch. He pulls everything from his pockets, setting it on the floor with his shoes. He slides into the tub, still clothed; no way he was going to die nude in his friend's bathtub.

Tony walks in, setting down a toaster. "Do you think this'll work? I don't exactly use a hair dryer."

McGee grins. "It should. Do it whene-Tony, what is that?"

Tony holds up the camera in his hand. "What's it look like? I'm gonna take video footage of this."

"What? _Why_?"

"I was thinking of setting up a video blog. Our own version of 1000 ways to die. C'mon, wouldn't it be awesome?"

"No, it would not! Tony, don't!"

"Haven't you ever wanted to see what it looks like when you die?"

"I've watched enough _other_ people die."

"C'mon Probie." Tony pauses. "Please?"

McGee glares up at Tony, caving once again. "Fine. Don't let Abby see it, though."

"Yesss!" Tony grins and sets up the camera. He flicks it on, walks over to McGee, getting in the shot. "Way to die #1: A shocking bath." Tony walks over and picks up the toaster, plugging it in before holding it over the tub. The camera records McGee's face of dread.

"Tony.. I'm having second thoughts about-"

"And drop!" Tony drops the toaster in, backing up quickly.

McGee braces himself; but he couldn't possibly prepare himself for this. As soon as the toaster enters the water, the electrical current surges through it; it grabs hold of McGee, and sends him into convulsions. He spasms like mad, splashing water out of the tub and onto the floor. McGee manages to get out a half-assed whine in between; but finally, after several minutes, McGee slumps in the tub, his head leaning back, mouth open. He lets out a moan before he's completely silent, still.

Tony walks over, hesitant. Remembering that McGee will be coming back to life, he unplugs the toaster. He faces the cam. "And that, people, is what it looks like to die by a toaster in the tub." He clicks off the camera, walking over to check on his wet, shocked friend, whose skin has some burns on it. "Uh.. McGee?"

McGee remains quiet, still. He stays that way. And stays. And five minutes later, he still hasn't moved.

"Holy.. crap! I killed McGee! Tim! Hey, TIM! MCGEE!"

A strange sound comes from McGee's throat. It isn't a word, and doesn't sound like it was supposed to be. Just a confirmation that he's there. That's enough for Tony; he breathes a sigh of relief. "What's taking so long?"

Another sound. After a few more minutes, McGee begins moving, but slowly; as if he were drugged. "Burn.. got burn. Burnt. Inside." He motions to his body, his hand moving slowly through the air. "Burnt.. organs. Inside. Stopped heart." He sits up with Tony's help. "Everyfin's blue."

Tony grins. "Dang, McGee. I should've left the camera on; you look like you're on drugs right now."

"You.. try gettin' a shock li'ddat.. like that." With Tony's help, McGee stands up unsteadily. Tony helps him out of the tub, puts the lid down on the toilet, and sits McGee down before handing him a towel. "Dry off. I'll see if I have any clothes to fit you. What are you, size 30 pants?"

McGee glares at Tony for that comment. "Funny. Did you just admit your IQ?"

Tony narrows his eyes and walks off to raid his closet. When he returns, he finds shirtless McGee leaning on one arm on the back of the toilet; he'd turned to sit sideways on it. His head is down on his arm; he's sleeping. He shakes his head and reaches over, gently shaking McGee awake. "Wake up, McFried. Get out of your wet clothes."

McGee groans. "Tonyyyy.. no." He slowly wakes up, looking drowsy. "Still blue," he comments, standing, dropping his pants right in front of Tony.

"Whoa, hey! McGee, no!" Tony spins around, heading out of the bathroom. McGee in wet boxers = NO.

Half an hour has passed since Tony checked on McGee in the bathroom; McGee is still in it. Concerned, Tony checks in again. McGee is asleep on the toilet again. Dressed in Tony's clothes, his own wet ones on the side of the tub. Tony wakes McGee up a second time. "Need to stay the night, McSleepy?"

McGee nods, waking up a little faster this time. Tony leads McGee to the living room; he pauses. No, he'll take the couch. He turns and takes McGee to the bedroom, ushering him into bed. "See ya tomorrow, blueboy."

* * *

McGee awakens to find himself in a strange bed. Not quite remembering at first what had happened, he sits up quickly, but puts a hand to his head, groaning as a sudden headache hits him. {Fuck. Must've gotten drunk last night.} He gets out of bed, looking down at clothes that are not his; this confuses him too. He walks out of the bedroom, smells eggs and bacon, and heads for the kitchen. "..Tony? Why the hell am I at /your/ house?"

Tony looks up, having already showered, dressed and gotten ready. "You don't remember last night?"

McGee looks at the scenario, thinks about waking in Tony's bed, wearing Tony's clothes. He feels dread in the pit of his stomach. {I'mnotgayI'mnotgayI'mnotgay.} "Do I want to?"

Tony snrks, pulling the frying pan off the heat. "Wait here, McGee." Tony heads into the living room, returning with a camera. He hands it to McGee, turning it on and hitting play.

McGee watches as Tony drops the toaster in and fries McGee; it's only then that the memory returns to him. "Oh.. oh, god." He shoves the camera into Tony's hands. "God, Tony. Why did I _agree_ to that with you?"

"You're immortal, it's not that bad."

"You don't know how much that _hurts_!"

"How much?"

"It's.. I can't describe it. Your body is on fire. The electric is zapping your brain, making it go crazy.. it's sending out signals gone haywire, and you feel pain_ everywhere_. That pain is.." he shudders. "Never again."

"You mean.. we can't continue the list?"

"I mean, no more electrocution." He grabs a piece of bacon already done and begins munching on it.

"We're back in business!"

"Tony?"

"Yeah, McBacon?"

"Go get me my clothes."

* * *

Method 1 down. c:  
Seriously, the methods can be really simple to really elaborate. I'm open to ideas.


	3. Filler 1

**Note:** This chapter, unlike the main chapters, is called a filler chapter. There will be more of these. They will not be a chapter in which McGee dies. They will explain some things about McGee's lengthy past, or just make the story less.. insane. Maybe more, who knows.

* * *

"McGee, are you ready for tonight?" Tony hands McGee a paper. On it is written:_ #2, Drinking Drano._ He didn't really think Drano was that bad, but..

"Sure. I wanted to mention something else to you first, about my.. talent." He looks around, making sure nobody else is listening. Gibbs is, of course; and Ziva doesn't look like she is, but she's always clued in.

"Yeah? Shoot."

"Sometimes, my suicides aren't successful. They fuck me up, and since I didn't die, I don't heal."

Gibbs looks up in surprise at this news. Ziva just keeps her eyes on her computer screen, but she's focusing more on the conversation.

"You.. then, what? Do you have anything the matter with you now?"

"No, no. See, once I die after that, everything fixes itself."

"So.." Tony frowns. "You try to kill yourself and you screw up.. what did you do?" Tony asks, grinning. He might hear about the past.

McGee frowns and leans back in his seat. "I.. don't want to talk about it."

"What? Come on, you can share anything with us. Right Boss?" Tony looks up, having felt Gibbs' gaze.

"Yeah. I'd like to hear this too, McGee."

McGee looks at Gibbs, frowning. "All right." He remembers the accident very well. "It was a long time ago. Back in the 1800s. I was walking in the road, and this horse and wagon came flying out of-"

"Horse and wagon?" Tony looks like he's obviously trying to hold in laughing. "Where-where uh, were ya?"

McGee sighs. "Colorado."

"You.. were in the old west? McCowboy? _You_?" Tony starts laughing, still trying to hold it in.

"Yes. I still have the clothing, too," McGee says. "Because I know you're going to ask."

"Can-can you uh, r-r-" Tony takes a deep breath, managing to finish, bursting into laughter right afterward. "Rope and ride?"

McGee groans and puts a hand to his face, missing the smiles on Gibbs' and Ziva's faces. "Yes, Tony. I could. I did that and more. I was the town blacksmith, I-"

"No way! Like Doc Brown in Back to the Future? Did you make a machine with-" He shuts up as Gibbs head-slaps him.

McGee grins. "No, Tony. I was a teacher though, too. I taught reading, writing, languages."

"You know other languages?"

"Tony.. I'm over 800 years old. I've been traveling the world looking for an answer to immortality. Yes, I know many languages."

"You.. never hinted at it to us," Tony replies, looking a little hurt.

"How many languages do you know, McGee?" Ziva asks, looking rather interested.

"I've lost count. Can we save this for-"

"Yeah, continue your old western for us, McEastwood."

McGee shoots Tony a glare before continuing. "Like I said. I was in the road when a horse and wagon came barreling down the road toward me. The horse was spooked by a snake, I s'pose," he explains, his mindset-and so, his speech-returning to the west. "It didn't kill me, but I sure wasn't me. Caused brain damage." He pauses, noting the funny looks on his friends' faces. "What?"

"You.. have an accent," Ziva says. "Not heavy, but.. you have an accent."

Gibbs has a big grin himself, leaning back in his chair with his arms crossed. "Yeah, McGee. Just how long were ya in the west?"

"Well.. since European colonists settled there. I traveled by boat from England to America.. the New World.. and headed out west."

"No!" Tony laughs. "You were in England? You?"

"I traveled, Tony," McGee says annoyedly. "As I was saying. The accident caused brain damage; I was basically a crippled little kid mentally for a few years. Until I fell into the creek and drowned. When I came back, I was healed again; I returned to the town and everyone.. well, they attributed it to an act of God. The Lord has healed him!" McGee mimics, raising his hands in a mock praise-the-lord motion. "Lord my ass," McGee snorts.

"You do not believe in God, McGee?" Ziva asks.

"Oh, I believe in more than one. There are many. My mistake was invoking every single one of them for immortality and not specific ones. Some of the more.. malevolent ones are holding me to that wish. That's why I can't die.. they get kicks out of my suffering."

"Well, they.. have to let you go one day, right?"

McGee looks up at Tony's face; hopeful, naive in these matters. For him, he smiles. "Yeah. One day."


	4. 2: Death by Drano

Apologies for not uploading this sooner. I wasn't happy with the drano scene. I'm still a little iffy about it, but I changed it a bit, and I think it's good enough to upload and end your waiting.

* * *

"Is Drano really that bad?" McGee asks as he and Tony head to Tony's place, carrying the recently-purchased bottle of drain unclogger at his side.

"I've heard people have died from drinking it. It must be."

"D'you think it poisons you?" He looks at the warning label on the back. "May burn eyes and skin on contact.. do not ingest, do not get on skin, clothing, in eyes.. It burns?"

"You can't die from a little burning, can you? It must be poison."

McGee lowers the bottle, looking sick to his stomach. "I don't know why I let you talk me into this."

"Deep down, you're pretty excited about this. Admit it."

"I told you Tony, I've died plenty already. It's not fun. It hurts, it's annoying, returning to life tires me out.."

"But who else gets to experience so many things? We should make something out of this. You could write a book.. I could make a movie!" Suddenly, he stops walking, eyes growing wide. "I.. could make a movie! _Me_!"

McGee keeps walking, shaking his head. "You have your video blog. No movie."

Tony grumbles and trots after McGee to catch up with him. "Spoil my one chance to get my name with the other great filmmakers."

"Sorry, Tony. I don't want people to start asking and prying and finding out about my secret, then I _would_ have to leave you guys."

"Ooh.. right." Tony glances over at McGee before looking back ahead of them. "I'd miss picking on ya if you left."

Knowing Tony's way of saying 'I'd miss you', he smiles and agrees. "I'd miss it too."

* * *

"Ready, McGee?" Tony holds up the camera as McGee gets into position in the bathroom. They had agreed on the bathroom, just in case this got messy. McGee has commented on how reassured he was that Tony was willing to risk McGee over his rug. Tony replied that McGee's life was more easily replaced than his rugs. McGee knew Tony didn't mean anything by it, but it still hurt him a little.

"Yeah, as I'll ever be." He unscrews the cap as Tony sets the camera down, hitting play. He pops into its view. "Way to die #2: Death by Drano." He heads back to the back of the camera as McGee takes a deep breath, looking at the bottle. A few tense moments pass before he quickly lifts it up, putting the bottle to his mouth, and chugging it as quickly as possible, downing it completely in seconds. The reaction is almost instantaneous.

He drops the bottle, grabbing his throat as he gasps and gags. He keels over, trying to throw up-but he doesn't have to try for long, because it begins immediately. Blood-red vomit hits the floor of the bathroom as his hand flies to his throat, a look of intense pain appearing on his face. Tony watches, horror-stricken face hidden from the camera, as McGee clutches at throat and stomach; gagging, shaking; finally, dropping to the floor and writhing in agony. This continues for several minutes, McGee gasping, trying to croak out the word 'help'. He looks up at Tony, eyes displaying immense pain, struggling against the suffering-unable to speak, or even breathe.

"Oh, shit.. McGee?" Tony sets the camera down, ready to go to his friend's aid; but just as he takes a step, McGee relaxes, growing still, letting out a gurgling moan. Tony watches, frowning. {Pain, very painful way to die..}

Almost forgetting, Tony turns and shuts off the camera after it films an extra ten seconds of the scene of death. He watches, looking at the Drano bottle fearfully, walking over to pick it up and discard it. "Hey.. McGee? You alive yet?"

McGee squeezes his eyes shut as a signal to Tony; not only is he there, but he's in serious pain.

"Did you.. die yet? Uh, one blink for no, two for yes." He pauses to wait, and after a few moments, sees two blinks. "Good! You'll heal then," he says, feeling relieved. He sits on the edge of the tub, awaiting his downed friend to return to health.

It's several minutes before McGee is finally healed and begins slowly getting up. "Tony.. gonna.. kill ya, man.." He gets to sitting and puts a hand to his neck, rubbing it, the memory of the pain still fresh in his mind. "Drano.. no way.."

"I never knew it was THAT bad, man. I'm sorry." Tony eyes the Drano bottle with severe distrust; it's one product he will never buy again.

"Me.. neither," McGee replies, still working on regaining his voice. "I never.. want to see ano..ther bottle of that stuff."

"I don't blame you." Tony pauses, looking McGee up and down. Still blood and vomit on his clothes. "Might want to take a shower."

Looking down at himself, McGee groans. "Again. I need to start wearing really old clothes for these things."

"Hmm.. Thrift store?"

"Yep."


	5. Filler 2

Several days after the Drano incident, McGee and Tony are summoned down to Abby's lab. Gibbs doesn't know why she wants both of them, but waves them off. Abby is Abby. She can have whatever she wants. Except for roller blades.

Tony arrives, tailed by McGee. They look in and almost run back out when they see an angry Abby with her arms crossed and foot tapping on the floor.

"Nuh-uh. Get in here, you two."

The two men nervously obey Abby's order, walking in and up to her. They watch as she pulls up something on her computer screen.. a blog. ..Their blog. The color drains from McGee's face, and Tony just looks away, trying to pull attention away from himself. Seems he doesn't need to try too hard, because Abby singles out McGee, walking up to him and getting right in his face.

"You promised me, Tim. You promised you wouldn't do this anymore!"

"It-it's T-Tony's idea. And I-I come back, so-"

"But you promised!" Abby interrupts. "You know it scares me when you do this! What if one of these times, you _don't_ wake up?"

McGee frowns. "Abby, that's not going to happen. I know it. It-it's just a little project, anyway, we-"

"Do you know how many viewers you have, Timmy?"

"Ah, no.. Tony takes care of the whole blog."

"After only two videos, you two have over 700 viewers and growing. It's gone viral; someone's bound to recognize you from work."

"Someone like you," Tony adds in, but his face goes as white as McGee's had done. "Somebody.. like Gibbs.."

"Good thing he doesn't like technology," McGee says, reassuring himself. "But Ziva might find out."

"Doesn't she just watch stuff in Hebrew?" Tony muses.

"This was a bad idea, I knew it was a bad idea." He looks at the blog, then checks out a few comments on the Drano video. "'Totally awesome.' 'How did you do the effects?' 'Drano is bad, mmkay?' 'Makes me want to dare my friend to do this.' 'I've reblogged this in hopes that people will stop using Drano. Thanks for supporting an alternative to caustic chemicals.'" He looks up at Abby and Tony, shrugging. "We're a hit."

"No, you are," Abby corrects, and sighs. "I really don't support this, you two."

Tony, sensing more, grins. "Buuut.."

Abby crosses her arms once more. "I'll allow it. But I want to supervise."

"Wh-supervise? You mean be there when it happens?"

"No! No way! I just want to make sure none of the.. ways to die.. are too dangerous."

"Abby, it's _supposed_ to be dangerous. It kills the Geek."

"Well-I mean stuff that's _really_ bad! Like, decapitation and stuff. And going SPLAT from somewhere really high up."

"..Those were actually next on our list," McGee replies, sounding nauseated.

"See? That's what I mean! You guys are just sick. Who makes up the list?"

"Mostly, Tony," McGee answers. "But the blog reviewers are also adding some.. unique.. ways in there."

"Don't you have any ideas?"

"Yeah. Quick and painless. But apparently, it's not exciting enough."

"I know, I know!" Tony shouts triumphantly. "We should have Ziva demonstrate all the ways she can kill someone with a paper clip."

McGee stares at Tony, eyes wide in disbelief. "_Tooonyyy_!"

Surprisingly, Abby starts laughing. "Now _that_ one I want to see."

McGee groans. "Not you too.."


	6. 3: A Little Tough to Swallow

For the life of me, I could not come up with a witty title for this 'way to die'. I hope what I came up with isn't too lame.

* * *

"Hey, how about this time, we have you die a little faster?"

"Mercy? From you? I'm afraid to ask what you have in mind."

Tony grins, clapping his hand onto McGee's shoulder as they walk to their cars. "So I saw this video.."

"Oh, c'mon man! That's how all the worst things start!"

"Whaaat? It's not THAT bad! It's just a sword!"

McGee pales, mouth suddenly dry as he tries to swallow. "A-a sword? A sword used HOW?"

"Uh, well.. Have you ever tried _swallowing_ a sword?"

"No, honestly, I can say that I have not. It's not a safe thing to do, you know," McGee comments, stopping at his car. To his dismay, Tony stops alongside him.

"Follow me home. I've got a sword at my place that we can use."

"..Crap. You mean it, too."

"Of course I do, McSkewer!"

"McSkewer?! Tony, what are you planning?!"

"Relax! It won't hurt if you do it right."

* * *

"..That's the sword you want me to swallow?" McGee frowns uneasily as he looks at the long, narrow, heavy, slightly-rusted and battered sword in Tony's hand. It's at least four feet long.

"Yep! It's just something that I practice with once in a while. While watching swordfighting movies, you know. They get me in the mood to try my hand at it." He gives it a little toss in the air, sending it spiraling, then catches it in his hand while striking a fighting-ready pose, sword pointed at McGee. "Are ya ready, Timmy?"

McGee raises a brow at Tony, slowly taking the sword from him. "So, what was this.. video you saw?"

"Well, it was a fake video. Obviously. This kid pretended he was doing a sword-swallowing trick, but the sword cut right through his stomach. It wasn't a bad video, but anybody who knows anything about movies can _tell_ that it's fake."

"Tony, I don't know the first thing about sword-swallowing.. only that it's incredibly dangerous."

"And that's the awesome part! You can survive it. Well.. you know what I mean."

"Gee, thanks," McGee mutters, taking the sword from Tony and walking to the designated plastic-covered floor of the bathroom. "Is the camera ready?"

"Geez, don't sound so enthusiastic," Tony snorts, turning the camera on. "At least _try_ to give them a show. Theatrics are everything."

"It's not enough just to watch me die?"

"Nope." Tony hits play, appearing in front of the lens minutes later. "Way to die #3: A Little Tough to Swallow."

McGee takes a deep breath, trying to quash his fear as he lifts the sword up to his mouth. He gently, slowly slides the metal across the top of his tongue, carefully angling it as he slides it in further.

Tony watches from next to the camera, eyes lip up as he watches the scene in captivation. He's starting to wonder if McGee is going to be able to do it, until McGee gags, chokes, coughs and slides the sword back out.

"I-I don't think I can do this, Tony," McGee rasps, holding his throat as he looks at the sword. There's no blood on it, surprisingly; but it's a fairly blunt sword.

"C'mon McGee, do it for the audience! They want a show." As an afterthought, Tony adds on, "Please?"

McGee groans. "Fine. I'll try again." McGee repeats the motion, getting it a few inches further before his gag reflex kicks up again. Determined to not quit this time, McGee slides it in much faster, not realizing how fast the sword is going in-until he feels a sharp pain in his abdomen. He freezes, instinctively moving his head to look down-but only resulting in wrenching pain in his throat. He chokes, feeling a sudden warmness in his throat, clashing against the cold of the steel blade. He feels the warm rise and fill his mouth, exiting at the corners; though he knows it's blood, it takes him a moment for this to really sink in.

Tony watches with a morbid fascination as McGee grabs at the sword's handle weakly with his hand, then grabs at his stomach-only to feel the blade sticking out of the skin several inches, coated in a slick layer of blood, which is still flooding out. He futilely tries to tug the sword up and out, but it only causes severe pain.

"Ah, M-McGee, d'you need some assistance there?"

McGee gurgles out an unintelligible reply, still grasping weakly at his stomach. So _warm_. He's not used to so much blood. Or feeling himself lose it all.. he's feeling cool, all of a sudden; all the heat is leaving him. Dizzy, too.. He sways precariously, the painful gagging and choking ceasing as he falls to the side, only crying out in strangled pain as the rigid sword convulses from the movement, slicing him up even further.

"Sh-" Tony runs forward, setting a hand gently on McGee's shoulder. "This might hurt, man.." He places his hand on the handle, muttering a quick 'Sorry' before sliding it out-slowly at first, until he notices how badly McGee is shaking, then swiftly pulling it out the rest of the way. He sets the sword on the floor near the pool of blood, getting up and running to the camera to turn it off. He reaches it just after McGee releases his last blood-soaked breath.

"Damn, McGee. I didn't know it would hurt this much. I thought it would be a fast death." He awaits McGee's answer, but then realizes McGee is still dead. _Duh._

Several minutes pass, Tony gaining a front-seat view to McGee's stomach as it melds back together, leaving not even the faintest scar. Though, under all of that blood, Tony wouldn't be able to spot one anyways.

"Ffffffffff.." McGee grits his teeth, turning his head slowly to look up at Tony, then quickly turns his expression into a scowl. "..No more.. swords. Please."

"You got it, man." Tony walks forward, offering a hand to help McGee up. "..What was more painful, this or Drano?"

McGee groans. "You're going to ask me to compare? Seriously?" He's still swaying a bit on his feet, glad that Tony is steadying him.

"Yeah! I mean, Drano looked pretty painful, but it's more of an internal burn.. but with the sword, it cut apart your throat and speared you right through your stomach and-"

He's silenced as McGee suddenly vomits on him, partly due to blood-deprivation; but mostly due to Tony's colorful descriptions.

"Ah! McGee, c-come on man! That's nasty.."

"Not as nasty as that stab wound in your stomach."

"..What stab wound?"

"The one I'll give you if you ever bring up sword-swallowing again."


End file.
